The Power of Saying No: How Dropping People Pleasing and Creating Boundaries Can Transform Your Relationship with Food
My Story
I was the Queen of Saying Yes. I would volunteer for things I didn’t even want to do. I would pick up extra work and overwhelm myself. I was stretched so thin.
Then I would take the resentment from my overwhelm and go home and eat a half a bag of chips or eat chocolate until I felt ill. Until I understood it, I just felt shame around the food and never made the connection back to the people pleasing and not setting boundaries. My relationship with food was already a rollercoaster and now I was using food to cope with my resentment, sadness and overwhelm.
Do You Often Say Yes When You'd Rather Say No?
If you're nodding your head, you're not alone. Many women, especially in midlife, find themselves in this predicament. You still may have kids at home or ailing parents. You may find it irresistible to volunteer to help people. You put others’ needs ahead of your own and it has become a habit. It’s more than actions or tasks. It can also be about taking care of peoples’ feelings all the time.
Client Experiences
There is a fascinating, but frustrating relationship between pleasing people, setting boundaries, and emotional eating. When you say yes to things you don't want to do, it can lead to a sense of resentment. And that resentment can often manifest as emotional eating. Here are some real-life examples shared by my clients, and even some from my own experiences:
Eating or Drinking to Avoid Offending Others: Have you ever found yourself eating or drinking just to avoid offending someone or to fit in?
Sacrificing Your Routine for Others: Some clients have given up their daily routines, like morning workouts, to accommodate others' schedules, rather than finding a mutually agreeable time.
Stretching Yourself Thin: Have you ever stretched yourself so thin that you sacrificed your sleep and free time to accommodate others?
Prioritizing Others' Desires: Many women admit to prioritizing other people's desires and opinions over their own, which can be detrimental to their well-being.
Constant Apologizing: Some individuals, like myself, have spent years apologizing for things, even when they might not be at fault. This habitual apologizing is a common coping mechanism.
Fear of Expressing Hurt: Some people are afraid to express when they're hurt because they fear how others might perceive them.
Fake Laughter to Avoid Offending: Have you ever found yourself fake laughing at inappropriate jokes just to avoid offending someone, only to end up offending them anyway?
Taking Responsibility for Others' Feelings: There are individuals who feel responsible for other people's feelings, which can be emotionally draining.
Understanding the Roots of People Pleasing
Let’s explore why you engage in people-pleasing behavior and do it automatically. At its core, pleasing people is prioritizing other people's needs and desires over your own, often at the expense of your well-being. This behavior can be deeply rooted in your past, possibly stemming from childhood experiences.
Childhood Experiences: People who grew up in environments where their feelings weren't validated or were constantly overshadowed by others may develop people-pleasing tendencies.
"Think of Others" Mentality: If you were raised with the idea that you should always think of others or "suck it up," this can also lead to people pleasing.
Fear of Rejection: Past experiences of rejection or criticism can drive people to become people pleasers as a way to avoid those painful feelings.
Feeling of Inadequacy: If you didn't feel like you were enough as a child, this could also lead to people-pleasing behaviors.
Mediating in Volatile Environments: Some individuals played the role of mediator in volatile family situations, constantly striving to keep the peace, which can translate into people pleasing in adulthood.
Lack of self worth: When you don’t feel that your time and self-care is as important, you give that time to others.
Understanding the beginnings of your people-pleasing tendencies is essential because it allows you to change the story in your adulthood. Once you pinpoint the root causes and feel worthy, you can make better decisions about your choices.
Why do I eat when I feel overwhelmed and resentful?
Emotional eating often stems from underlying emotions and not the food itself. Here's how it happens:
Resentment and Emotional Eating: When you commit to things you don't want to do due to pleasing people, resentment can build over time. Emotional eating can become a coping mechanism to escape from this growing resentment.
Suppressing Emotions: People-pleasers often suppress their true feelings to avoid conflict or to maintain a "positive" image. This suppression can lead to a buildup of negative emotions, which may find an outlet in food.
Food as Comfort: Food provides temporary comfort when these suppressed emotions become overwhelming. It offers a temporary escape and a boost of dopamine, making it a tempting coping mechanism.
You Can Break the Cycle: Why It’s important to Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a powerful tool for breaking the cycle of people pleasing and emotional eating. Here's why boundaries matter:
Self-Respect: Setting boundaries demonstrates that you value yourself and your needs, reinforcing your self-worth.
Protecting Well-Being: Boundaries protect your mental and emotional well-being, allowing you to prioritize self-care.
Healthy Relationships: Clear boundaries foster healthier relationships by communicating your limits and needs effectively.
Daring to Set Boundaries
As Brené Brown aptly puts it, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." This quote highlights the importance of valuing yourself and your needs, even if it means disappointing someone else.
Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries
Here are some practical tips for setting boundaries ahead of time so you can have peace:
Reflect on Your Needs: Take time to understand your needs and limits.
Practice Self-Respect: Recognize your own worth and that your needs are valid.
Communicate Clearly: You can be kind, but direct. Express your boundaries kindly and directly, without blaming or accusing others.
Consistency Matters: Enforce your boundaries consistently, so others understand and respect them. It takes time and practice, but it will actually lead to better relationships.
Remember that the people who object to your boundaries are often those who aren't getting what they want from you. Most people are focused on their own needs and thoughts, so don't overestimate how much others think about your boundary-setting decisions. Most people will respect you more for setting the boundaries.
More Strategies to Help You Understand the Emotions and Root Cause of the Stress
When emotions arise and you're tempted to engage in emotional eating, consider alternative coping strategies:
Journaling: Reflect on your feelings and explore their origins.
Meditation: Practice mindfulness to manage and express your emotions in healthier ways.
Exercise: Engage in physical activity to reduce stress and improve emotional regulation.
Tapping: Consider tapping techniques (EFT) to address emotional triggers and relieve tension.
Positive Conversation: Refrain from engaging in gossip or negative talk about others and especially speak kindly to yourself.
Remember, emotional eating often follows unresolved emotions. There is usually something thathappens BEFORE the food. By addressing the root causes of emotional eating and working on setting boundaries, you can break the cycle and develop a healthier relationship with food and yourself. Many people feel like they are being mean or unkind, but your tribe will understand and appreciate you taking care of yourself first.
XOXO,
Kim
Click here if you would like to know more about how I coach my clients to heal their relationship with food, their bodies and themselves.